Giving the Gift of Character

Now that the craze of winter gift-buying is done, why not think about another (free!) gift we can give our kids?

Is there an attribute that you wish your child had in more abundance? We can’t change our children’s fundamental character traits, but we can guide and nurture them in positive directions. For this month, pick out a trait that you have seen a glimmer of in your child’s behavior and help it grow! Use conversation and action to grow your child into an adult you will respect and admire.

Here are a few examples.

Courage

Have you noticed a tendency towards bravery in your young person? Bravery means recognizing that you’re nervous about something (or scared out of your mind) and taking a step in that direction anyway.

In conversation: TV and movies and books offer opportunities to observe courage in action. Watch or read together and talk about courage. At dinner, ask: “What is the most courageous action you’ve ever seen at school?” “Who is the bravest person you know? Why?” “How would you show courage in pictures?”

In action: If you are doing something that makes you nervous, speak up. Let your child see that you have courage and exercise it. Name your child’s courageous actions. Sign up for an activity you and she have wanted to try that makes you nervous. However it goes or doesn’t, debrief about the courage it took to even consider doing something hard.

Justice

Children can drive us crazy with cries of “It’s not fair!” While they spend years learning the important lesson that “fair” does not always mean “equal” it is a great time to honor their commitment to justice.

Many children are keenly aware of justice and injustice in the world around them. On the playground, in the classroom, on the news, on our sidewalks, children, especially middle schoolers and teens, note what is and isn’t equitable. This ability to discern just treatment is the foundation for all the improvements they will make in the world during the next generation. Nurture this discernment.

In conversation: Give kids hypothetical situations that are developmentally appropriate and ask them how these conflicts “should” be resolved. Then ask why. Observe the conflicts in books or on the screen and pause the show to ask your child how he would write the end of the story. This is even a time to help them see that equal does not always mean fair.

In action: Make a commitment to social justice in your community. Clean the park where the kids like to play. Encourage your child to dedicate a portion of her allowance or chores money to donation, and then have her investigate the places in your area where she could donate that money. Most of all, figure out which injustices disturb him the most (environmental issues, homelessness, illness, war) and find a way for him to volunteer with an agency that seeks to right that wrong.

Love

All kids have the capacity for love. All kids have a different capacity and different ways of expressing that love. All kids will have a more full adulthood if they know how to joyfully and appropriately express love.

In conversation: Do you use the word love at home? Kids benefit from hearing that they are loved often. Ask your children what they love. Even for older children who may shy away from saying who they love, there is much to be learned about our kids when we engage with them about their passions. One rule, though – don’t judge out loud! If you have a bad reaction to learning what (or who) your child loves, listen. If you need to offer some guidance do it one day later. Whatever it is will keep that long and you will succeed in building up their love trait.

In action: Do small things for your spouse and kids for love. Notice the small things they do for each other and for you and thank them out loud. Don’t forget the love kids show by doing something the first time they’re asked, or by failing to pick a fight with a sibling who is not feeling well, or by tolerating a kiss from an elderly relative that they’d rather avoid. You can wait to show appreciation for this but do try to mention it occasionally. We don’t want kids to behave well only for the kudos, but to nurture love we have to praise its expression.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website at www.AskDoctorG.com.