Everyone who has ever lived with a child knows that the most wonderful, good-hearted kids can behave in an ugly fashion at times. The idea that kids adopt a social role in elementary school and then live that role every day for the rest of their childhood is both naïve and dangerous.

As Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out pointed out last year in her Newsweek article “The Nine Most Common Myths About Bullying” social roles flex and change constantly. The vast majority of children and teens will find themselves in each of the three roles in any bullying encounter – victim, bully, bystander – on different occasions. 

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2010/10/14/the-nine-most-common-myths-about-bullying.html

So it’s naïve to label kids as bullies. As a society we have cleared out most labels for kids, this one needs to go as well.

Why is it dangerous to call someone a bully? Because a bully is a bad kid. A bully is mean, contemptible, to be avoided or shunned. With all the anti-bullying curricula in schools, kids are crystal clear about this – a bully is the villain. When a child or even a teen hears that she is a bully, she may very well feel stuck. Is this the only role available now? If she’s“bad” it can seem impossible to fix.

Further, once a parent hears that label applied to his or her child, they move to a very defensive position that usually begins and ends with denial. On the other hand, many parents can accept the news that their child has behaved badly. In this situation most want tools to improve the situation.

Bullies are hard to redeem.  Bullying behavior is much easier to change.

Most of our kids will bully someone – a younger sibling, a classmate, even a friend – this school year. So how can we actually help? Stop calling anyone a bully. Start labeling the behavior instead of the kid.

Bullying behavior can be fixed. Feeling victimized can be stopped. Bystanders can use empathy to show leadership. All of these conversations are easier when adults recognize what kids already know – almost all kids bully sometimes and almost all kids get bullied on occasion.

Most preschoolers will hit or bite or lie, or do all three and worse. We don’t label them as sociopaths but we keep correcting the behavior. Bullying is a tool that most children test – like two year olds test out tantrums and hitting. Bullying is just as unacceptable, and so we need to correct the behavior.

The first key to preventing most bullying is this: change the conversation!

When schools and parents and youth groups and teams work to limit or erase bullying behaviors, we give kids the opportunity to coach each other and improve themselves.

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Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website at www.AskDoctorG.com.

“An ipod, Mom.” “Summer!” “World peace.” “Whirled peas.” Give that smart aleck some whilred peas, please!

It doesn’t really matter what you’re each hoping for, this is a great get-to-know-your-family-better kind of moment.

Teach kids that hope is important. Did you know that children who talk about what they want to be when they grow up are more likely to have a career that kids who don’t?  This does not mean all kids grow up to be an astronaut, a ballerina or a professional sports success. Teens who do career or college counseling in high school, or even discuss career options with a parent, are several times more likely to actually go on to higher education.  This means that hope itself is important.

Hope is about setting goals.  Hope requires the ability to imagine a future that is different than the present.  Hope teaches creativity, planning and perseverance.  Hope brings light when life feels dark.

 Developmentally, most children and younger teenagers can’t see past the weekend.  Learning to put emotions and events in perspective is a hard-won ability.  Hope is one of the keys to this ability.

The next time your child comes to you with a social struggle, ask them what they hope will happen.  See if they can come up with a few acceptable possibilities, and then help them brainstorm how to get to one of those outcomes.  Teach the value of optimism!

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Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website at www.AskDoctorG.com.

A blessing and a curse, right?

Kids of all ages forget that parents are human.

First they’re too little to understand this basic concept. Babies and young children see their parents as god-like figures, incapable of making a mistake or saying something unintentional.

As elementary schoolers grow, they begin to see the fallibility of their parents.  They are starting to learn the concepts of mistake and apology, and can respect Mom or Dad’s ability to hurt feelings and then make amends.

Unfortunately, puberty hits. This “second toddlerhood” causes tweens to again believe that they are the center of the universe. Any thoughtless comment or forgotten promise becomes an intentional insult. Everything parents say or do with children in this mindset can become a big drama. The teenage years are a series of explorations. What does love mean, and how does it make the teen feel? Still very “I” focused, there aren’t a lot of chances to have long conversations with a parent about what love means.

What is the lesson for us parents? Love with intention. Teach by example. Treat all the people in your family the way you want your child to be treated by those they love.

When your son or daughter looks for a life partner, let each one find a “love” means someone who respects, listens to, and honors him or her.

We can’t lecture our kids into understanding love. We can love them the way we want them to love and be loved all the days of their lives.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website at www.AskDoctorG.com.

Is there an attribute that you wish your child had in more abundance? We can’t change our children’s fundamental character traits, but we can guide and nurture them in positive directions. For this month, pick out a trait that you have seen a glimmer of in your child’s behavior and help it grow! Use conversation and action to grow your child into an adult you will respect and admire.

Here are a few examples.

Courage

Have you noticed a tendency towards bravery in your young person? Bravery means recognizing that you’re nervous about something (or scared out of your mind) and taking a step in that direction anyway.

In conversation: TV and movies and books offer opportunities to observe courage in action. Watch or read together and talk about courage. At dinner, ask: “What is the most courageous action you’ve ever seen at school?” “Who is the bravest person you know? Why?” “How would you show courage in pictures?”

In action: If you are doing something that makes you nervous, speak up. Let your child see that you have courage and exercise it. Name your child’s courageous actions. Sign up for an activity you and she have wanted to try that makes you nervous. However it goes or doesn’t, debrief about the courage it took to even consider doing something hard.

Justice

Children can drive us crazy with cries of “It’s not fair!” While they spend years learning the important lesson that “fair” does not always mean “equal” it is a great time to honor their commitment to justice.

Many children are keenly aware of justice and injustice in the world around them. On the playground, in the classroom, on the news, on our sidewalks, children, especially middle schoolers and teens, note what is and isn’t equitable. This ability to discern just treatment is the foundation for all the improvements they will make in the world during the next generation. Nurture this discernment.

In conversation: Give kids hypothetical situations that are developmentally appropriate and ask them how these conflicts “should” be resolved. Then ask why. Observe the conflicts in books or on the screen and pause the show to ask your child how he would write the end of the story. This is even a time to help them see that equal does not always mean fair.

In action: Make a commitment to social justice in your community. Clean the park where the kids like to play. Encourage your child to dedicate a portion of her allowance or chores money to donation, and then have her investigate the places in your area where she could donate that money. Most of all, figure out which injustices disturb him the most (environmental issues, homelessness, illness, war) and find a way for him to volunteer with an agency that seeks to right that wrong.

Love

All kids have the capacity for love. All kids have a different capacity and different ways of expressing that love. All kids will have a more full adulthood if they know how to joyfully and appropriately express love.

In conversation: Do you use the word love at home? Kids benefit from hearing that they are loved often. Ask your children what they love. Even for older children who may shy away from saying who they love, there is much to be learned about our kids when we engage with them about their passions. One rule, though – don’t judge out loud! If you have a bad reaction to learning what (or who) your child loves, listen. If you need to offer some guidance do it one day later. Whatever it is will keep that long and you will succeed in building up their love trait.

In action: Do small things for your spouse and kids for love. Notice the small things they do for each other and for you and thank them out loud. Don’t forget the love kids show by doing something the first time they’re asked, or by failing to pick a fight with a sibling who is not feeling well, or by tolerating a kiss from an elderly relative that they’d rather avoid. You can wait to show appreciation for this but do try to mention it occasionally. We don’t want kids to behave well only for the kudos, but to nurture love we have to praise its expression.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa is a Board Certified family physician, mother of four, and a professional parenting writer and speaker (for parents, community & business). Her signature individualized workshop, “How to Get the Behavior You Want, Without Being the Parent You Hate” captivates parents through her humorous straight talk, which lifts the guilt out of parenting. Her mission is to help parents raise children they can respect and admire. Visit her website at www.AskDoctorG.com.